having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize