Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
