We named our party play list daddy issues
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
