Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
