Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
