can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
