you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
