Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
