we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
