this beer tastes like vomit already
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
