end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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