I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
