I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
