I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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