if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
