just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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