I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
