we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
