you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
