Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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