Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
