If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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