it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
