we made out on top of his cat.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
