I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
