Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
