How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
