I'm so fucking centered right now
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
