mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
