he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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