My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
