do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My feet surprised me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
