I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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