You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
