What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize