I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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