i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
