how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize