Apparently you make a good broom.
that's an acceptable place to lick
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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