I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
