i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
