Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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