theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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