I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
