pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
