i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
