i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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