can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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