His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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