1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
