i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
