her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
