i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
