Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
FUCK WHALES
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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