what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
