Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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