Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
