Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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